Small Business Consultant Gifts

Warm Beer Store: Going Out of Business Sale.

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"And need I remind you, the 'art of the deal' is the lifeblood of this company."

'Now that I have your attention...'

"My email is down... talk to me."

British savings accounts

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"Miracles happen, gentlemen, but they don't come cheap."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

'The check is in the email attachment.'

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'It seems every time my business grows so does my paperwork!'

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

Two children are running lemonade stands outside their home; one stand is more popular than the other.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

Others will fight for you

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'There's good news and bad news, J. B. - we now control 51% of this corporation's stock!'

Or as I prefer to call it, the 'feel-good' factor.

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

"I guess it's ethical. Let me run it through my 'Ethics Check' app."

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

'We want everyone to remember our name.'

"I keep feeling we should float the company"