Skipper Gifts

"I used to have tattoos. They're a lot easier to get than to have removed."

Sailing

The skipper never wears a hat that fits. He's always been afraid of cap-sizing!

"Didn't I send you out for some fish nets?"

'It's to remind the skipper that it's his wife's birthday.'

'Nothing impacts my lifestyle choices more than a veterinarian with a scale.'

"The universe is expanding! Of course I'm expanding too!"

New company policy...next time you miss a meeting I need a note from a doctor or a subpoena from a judge.

Rock - see you in a million years!

'Don't be so dramatic and get into my office!'

Captain looks out of a porthole and notices that the ship is sinking.

Remote controlled car on a boat.

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

A spa bath at Mapledurham.

'I told my teacher that I won't be returning to school. I'm trying out for a pro basketball team, and her services are no longer required.'

"Sure, I'll give you a second opinion. I don't think you should stay home from school either."

"Not sure what to watch? Go to menu/settings/power/off/pick up a book."

'It's just one thing after another. The minute they let you out of school, the garden starts to produce.'

'Now that the clocks have changed you can use that extra hour that you can't spend in the garden decorating the kitchen'

Shut Yer Yapper and be Happy, Loser! There's a ton of so-called simple self-help books. The five most important questions: 7 habits of highly effective people: 7 steps to living at your fullest potential. Too many steps! She's going to be filthy rich.

Overweight Man With Skipping Rope - To Be Taken 3 Times A Day.

"Ya know, no mask or hand sanitizer can spare you from spring fever."

'I've already marked you absent, Eddie. Go home.'

'I hear you played football instead of going to school.'

'Bed rest and no school for a week. Boy, I like this doctor!'

'The Principal suspended me-- School is the only place in the world where you can get time off for bad behavior.'

New York Sightseeing Cruises

'I can't come to school today because I have a barking cough. Wanna hear it?'

"My wife told me to have a good day, so I went fishing instead of work."

'He always trains until the very last minute.'

'Sorry Professor, you're right: I DID skip a line of the instructions...'

'What type of line are you using?'

"You know what school needs? - A fast forward button!"

Rise and shine, young man! It's time for school! I don't want to rise, I don't want to shine, I'm not a young man, and school is for suckers. Call me at lunchtime.

"It's a note from my mommy. She says I don't have to attend."