Situational Irony Fan Gifts

'I'd like a brandy please...'

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

"He's Right Behind Me, Isn't He?"

Time management office worker

'Kill all the Canaanites? -- Won't that set a bad precedent?'

"Not wearing deodorant is not what I meant by 'respect the local customs'"

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

Junk Stamps For Junk Mail.

'I don't get it. He had the smallest paws in the whole litter.'

Ambulance arrives at full hospital

"Don't forget to wash your hands."

"Do you know what time they open love?"

Ingoldsby Legends - Impious Bishop Robert of Birchington

'The good news is that the person who stole your identity is spending a lot less money than you were.'

"That's not what you told my screener you wanted to talk about."

'Okay - which one was here first?'

"I can’t chase you today … he’s in one of his moods."

"Stick what up?"

"If anyone's got a plan B, now would be a good time."

Man: 'What the...?!' / 404 ERROR!

'I heard your licence was revoked.'

'Holy S**t!'

'This motel doesn't have WiFi. So NOW who's going to babysit the kids??'

'Soccer hooligans, majesty! Thousands of them! We're doomed!'

"Why am I always the bad guy?"

Yesterday, the warranty on the Wilsons' waterbed expired

Later that night, Tim crept into Andy's cave and coconutted him to death.

'Aah! I've caught you Dobson - making love to my wife during working hours!'

'That's what I said - a hit and run steamroller...'

"Pay no attention to Brian, he's always playing the victim."

'Poor Danny - every sheep shearing season he got in trouble!'

The Right Place at the Right Time. I'm sorry, sir, but if you don't have a reservation …

'Yes... Now I see - no pocket. So perhaps the glove is defective.'

"Apologies but I can't see any patients today."

Swine flu.