Sisterly Banter Enthusiast Pillows

"Little sis, this blouse is so ugly I would puke if I put it on. Do you want it?"

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

No caption. (The Mona Lisa is depicted wearing a smiley face button.)

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

'No honey, you can't sell him on ebay.'

"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure."

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- she's kind of a starter kit.'

"I'm sorry, Doctor, when you said benign growth, I thought you were referring to my husband."

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

You look lovely tonight. It's a good think the coat-check girl let me check my thought balloons. !!

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

The Art of Bantering!

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

'You're looking well.'

Know-it-alls

"I was listening at the door and I overheard the nickname they have for me."

"Let's go bowling and keep on bowling until the people who regulate bowling say it isn't bowling any more!"

'Do you mean I leave a lot to be desired bad, or a lot to be desired good?'

What will be the worst part about your first semester of college being online classes only? My little brother will be my freshman year roommate!

"Yeah, I know why you pulled me over. But, c'mon. I'm down to half a pack a day and I'm tryin' to quit."

"I don't know—my gut tells me I should have another beer."

'Sorry, I only drink still wines. I don't have the patience to wait for bubbles to pop.'

"Has your mother called yet on the international situation?"