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Lonely Hearts - Men seeking anything that stays still long enough.

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

Everyone agrees: Aunt Juanita needs a man.

"And for my next trick, I will confuse general politeness for chemistry."

"Sinclair's not all he's cracked up to be. His reputation exceeds him."

"Honey, why don’t you tell Tony and Karen about your microdosing-healing-group thingy or whatever the heck it is?"

"If I had known how adult her place was I would have brought nicer beer."

'Keep pumping Mildred.'

"Of course I love you, I'm just busy with other men."

"He says he loves me, but he still uses his first wife's birthday as his password."

'None of the other things had instructions.'

"I'm just so relieved! I thought you didn't love me anymore, but now I realize I was just projecting!!"

'He's not so much a rough diamond, more a dumb block of carbon.'

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

My wife is the inspiration behind the light speed spaceship - the longer I'm married, the more I want to be the first human who lives on Mars.

'Your place or mine? Both. You go to your place and I'll go to mine!'

"Mom, Suzy keeps coming closer than 6 feet to me."

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

"Everything started when I became a stay-at-home-mom of three little monsters."

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

Cyber Fight

"Merely dating" "Lover's leap" "Undecided? Take a hike"

'Everyone does divorces, Mrs.Dawson.'

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

'This is a simple proclamation-of-lack-of-interest date.'

'Come now - surely we can draw up this pre-nuptial agreement amicably.'

'I think he's proud of his ability to be in the way in more than one room at a time.'

'Do you realize that I spend more time out than I do in?'

...In a Relationship

Kids go to school and mom goes to the psychiatric clinic.

My changing Body: A Guide For New Fathers