Single Life Embracer Gifts

"I hope I'm single for Valentine's because only I fully know my worth in chocolate."

"Tell me again, Grandpa, about how you let your freak flag fly."

The most fabulous Gran in the world.

Ultra-lazy sloth

"I enjoy the one day of the school year...that I didn't forget to do my homework."

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions

"I live for the moment. That moment just happens to be in the indefinite future."

"I don't remember him or the meal or what movie we saw. All I remember is I wore the right jeans."

"Spring is definitely here! Which means yard work is not far behind...."

Congratulations!

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"Hang on - I've got an app for this. . ."

'And now for the (Yawn!) morning report....'

Sorry, I don't play footsie on the first date. Neither do I. I guess that leaves rats.

Grandpa cheats death, puts in a pool.

"A Clif Bar wrapper? That's why you dragged me up here?!"

'Oh, Harold...How can I face our family and friends knowing you're a crossdresser?!'

"I almost had a 'I need a man' moment last night....but then I managed to get the cork out of the wine bottle myself."

"It's true, of course, that I'm just a machine, but I do have a built-in vibrator."

At least you didn't marry him.

Let It All Hang Out In Celebration. . .

"I see a couple of chairs over there by the naked guy working on his laptop."

'Congratulations, your days of avoiding the real world are finally over.'

"She's been seeing a very good grief counselor."

"We live here. We just dress this way to fit in."

'I'm putting you on a forced exercise program of walking. Hand over your driver's license!'

Are you ever worried people will see all the stuff you put online? Not at all … because I don't put anything online. I'm not on Facebook, I'm not on Twitter, and I conduct all my business in person so they can be charmed by the twinkle in my mustache. You are looking at a man who's totally off the grid, little buddy. It's like talking to a Neanderthal. I also shave with a razor-sharp sliver of granite my grandfather bequeathed unto me.

"Before you take me away I just want to update my profile picture."

Speed dating

"Fred and Sarah, Helen and Joe, Carol and Andy, this is Marcia and nobody."

The PERFECTLY HAPPY BEING ALONE BOAT

It gets easier.

"Ouch! I still can't get the hang of this new technology!"

'While my friends all smuggle up with their husbands and children, I receive thanks for another doomed relationship.'

More than half of adult American women are unmarried. Go away. Studies show that many women try marriage, don't like it, get divorced and are happy just to date. and I just want you to know that when you're ready to get with the program, I'm prepared to be your rebound relationship. It feels good to contribute to society. It's a wonder any women are married.