Single Life Celebration Pillows

'If you're God's gift to women, I'd rather just have the money.'

"Maybe the next one will be a singles cruise."

Life is for the birds.

The secret of living happily ever after....Do it alone.

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Yes, I'm alone."

Still searching for my Prince Charming.

"Day 19,918: Once again, Gary cannot believe he's still alive."

"Cheers to being a person."

"Do you know what girls want?"

When did this date go down the toilet? I assumed when you went to the men's room that you dropped it there.

"I had guys chase my tail, then one day I thought, hey, dummy, get rid of the middlemen and chase your own tail!"

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

Speed Dating Disasters

'On the contrary, soap operas are a great time-saver -- you don't have to get married and have your OWN problems.'

'I'm old, bald and fat, but at least I'm not boring!'

'You only love me because you haven't got a boyfriend!'

'Are you seeing anybody?'

'She won't even look at me. It's like I'm a banner ad.'

"It's over!"

"I hope I'm single for Valentine's because only I fully know my worth in chocolate."

'We fed your application in, and the computer started leaking slime.'

I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy. Which part do you miss most? Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what tv shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission? Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors.

Home for Seniors.

"The dinner date was a disaster! I realised he was still a "Mama's Boy" when I saw he was expecting me to regurgitate his food..."

'Not only is your mojo not working, it apparently has been unemployed for years.'

'You asked her to go out with you?', 'Yes, but she says there's a lengthy approval process.'

"Finally - my dating app just launched a 'Why am I seeing this loser?' feature."

"Cute... But way too young."

Happy Hour

'I hate singles bars. It's like window shopping...you know, looking at fancy clothes on a bunch of dummies.'

Closing Laugh Singles Bar

'Get lost. Can't you see I'm with someone?'

'Online dating is rubbish. I've written to 20 women and not ONE has replied.' 'At least you're being spurned in the comfort of your own home.'

'I'm very proud of what he achieved during his life.'