Singing Skeptic Gifts

He's got a lousy voice!

'Nothing. Just sitting here watching Bob rehearse for 'American I Dull'.'

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

Cupid misses his shot.

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

'Would you like to come in for a rejection?'

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

Tenors

"If only I liked you a little more and you liked like me a little less."

"It's from a girl in my class. Should I be thinking about a prenup?"

Yes, but.

Library. Story Hour. This fact-checking site says no cow has ever jumped over the moon.

'Are you ready to get hurt again?'

Pirate King

A singer being criticised

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

'You remind me of my ex-ex-ex.'

"I tolerate you too. With all my heart."

'No wonder the divorce rate is so high!'

'That was the worst performance I've ever seen.'

'And in medical news, Prozac has been found to be effective in battling the effects of country music.'

Second Thoughts Wedding

'Uh-oh, here comes the mike again. Cut the barbershop quartet and go back to mournful whistling.'

Well, it's not my fault if nobody bothered to tune the microphone.'

"I wish your temperature told the real truth about you."

'Is this a trick question?'

"It was love at first sight, except for his ringtone."

"I lied in my ad. I hate Wallace Stevens."

Elderly spinster commenting on a marriage

'It's a big step getting married. I need time to think about it - What did you say your name was?'

"Arrows won't work on him. Use a taser."

"No, this is not part of an evacuation procedure."