Silly Humor Pillows

Gilmore Slugs

"Constipated, what a *#*##**# joke!!"

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"Look! No hands!"

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

Trump

"I'll have dessert first."

"Well, you can't say they didn't warn us."

Kick me

Turkey survivability - 'It's all in being able to put the old fork down and say no.'

"I see you like to let your actions do the talking."

'If we're to be able to afford a cutting edge IT system then we have to make sacrifices...and you're ours.'

"Lower and to the left...AHHHHH!"

"Ask Sadie Advice Hour," what's your problem?! Kanye West said he's running for president in 2020, and I don't know whether to weep or move to Canada. Canada Canada Canada! Everybody always wants to move to Canada whenever they think the USA has taken a turn for the worse! None of you lily-livered quitters could stand a single Canadian winter, let alone stare down a moose at six paces. You want Canada? You can't handle Canada! How tall is a moose?

'What the...? Bleeeeccchhh!' 'Hey, where's my hanky?'

Official in flooded office says: 'A decision on lifting the hosepipe ban will be made in due course.'

Atlas' Shoelace Dilemma

"Harumph. Some 'sailor man.'"

"I hate it when the baby f**ks my face."

Ed's Pizza and the Cardiology Clinic.

"Don't, son – once they cross over into meats, they're out of our jurisdiction."

"I'm going to Princeton!"

'Get off and milk it!'

"Come on Ed! Cheer up! Look! Worm Attack! Arrahhh!"

"Now I know why those cruise tickets were so cheap!"

Starbucks closing 600 stores with 12,000 job cuts.

'The mincer's busted!'

'Let me swear on my grandchildren that our business is 100% legit. We outsourced extortion to the IRS, and assassination to the Pentagon!'

Thirsty Fish.

Rise and shine

"Of course you can have some respect sir, but we don't treat wounded pride!"

'And when I say clothes horse I mean the exercise bike.'

'We're experiencing a combination of snow and hail...'

Gary Lineker Twitter Row with the BBC