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Sign reading: Barrell Scraper - Ideal for finding new TV cookery show ideas

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'I think I'll go home and eat'

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"Charles didn't like tofu."

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

'Would you care for some fresh pepper? Well too bad, because all we have is these dried up old peppercorns.'

"I'm just the bus boy but I'll be ignoring you also."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

'We just invented cooking yesterday, and already she's serving leftovers!'

"May I offer you a side of life insurance?"

"I don't know where to begin, each dish has its own app."

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

F&E Diner. I'll bet you want the alphabet soup, right? Hey! Don't put words in my mouth!

'This is gluten free, isn't it?'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

NASA, 'I thought YOU were bringing a can opener!'

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

The Good Feud Guide - 'Delia Smith does a nice roasted Worrall-Thompson.'

"[Old Steak Bone Tavern]"

Uncle Giving Boy a Mince Pie

'Today's special is yesterday's left-overs.'

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"My lord, Sir Arthur is pleased to bid thee welcome to his food court."

"Obviously, sir, it's a very discerning, vegetarian fly."

"They're going to print a retraction - your desserts are not inconsistent."

The Emeril Isle