Shelf Humorist T-Shirts

I'm sorry, Simone, but I just want to be

Woman in supermarket passes food items with cliche' names such as 'forbidden fruit,' 'sour grapes,' etc.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Honest Vending

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

Smoke and mirrors.

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

Guide reading book called 'A farewell to arms.'

'Hard to follow...'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"My scoop-back tank comes in Mango, Morning Glory, and Scallion. Don's Maori surfers are available in Iris, Mustard, and Prawn."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"Now you're just being a jerk!"

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

In trays read: Bluff/Blink.

"Did I miss a lot of work while I was out with the flu? No, I didn't miss it at all!"

Book Worm

Magic Act

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"