Shelf Humorist Pillows

Woman in supermarket passes food items with cliche' names such as 'forbidden fruit,' 'sour grapes,' etc.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

Honest Vending

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

Smoke and mirrors.

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Guide reading book called 'A farewell to arms.'

'Hard to follow...'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"My scoop-back tank comes in Mango, Morning Glory, and Scallion. Don's Maori surfers are available in Iris, Mustard, and Prawn."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"Now you're just being a jerk!"

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

In trays read: Bluff/Blink.

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

Magic Act

Book Worm

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"Did I miss a lot of work while I was out with the flu? No, I didn't miss it at all!"

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'