Severance Gifts

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

Club Antisocial

Road sign: 'No Passing Zone... This, too, shall pass.'

A vampire in a canoe.

"I sure hope there's something good in here. I worked up quite an appetite getting past that raccoon-proof lid."

"Oh good, more time alone for quiet reflection."

"Hoora! I made it through another day!"

'Just when you thought you had the beach to yourself.'

"Hey, at least you got a severance package."

"I'm thinking of giving up yoga! Yesterday my lotus position turned into a cauliflower!"

"It's lonely here at the top. Thank goodness I've never been a people person."

Martin hated dining alone – but loved the savings.

"You know, turning a hobby into a job kinda takes all the fun out of it."

The response of a spirit during a seance is in fact an annoyed neighbour.

Neverending Task.

'He's a trier, I'll give him that.'

'Do they make one of those that finds lost bones?'

'All I can tell you is they're not the cute little birds who usually ride around on us.'

Wife uses guillotine to trap husband sneaking in late at night.

Man reading magazine: 'International Procrastinator.'

'Determined little guy.'

Seance: That line is currently busy...would you care to keep holding?

Chameleon. Calmer Chameleon. Calmer Calmer Calmer Calmer Calmer Chameleon.

Hang in There!

'Milton, you really did make it to the other side!'

Heaven's Way

"Malcolm W. Dunlap, violin repairs. Malcolm, we are so pleased to see you."

Arrogant OAP.

"Thanks for coming, Olga - I want you to help me contact my husband."

"With Mindfulness, one may learn to sit through all distractions."

"I don't know how much longer I can last. I may have to drop out." . . . "But honey ... you're the teacher."

Man with metal detector finds metal on beach, but it's a buried metal detector and its owner is also dead and buried.

Bassoonist cherub.

'I can see it's going to be one of those days — my doughnut just rolled down the mountain.'

Have a very calm Christmas