Service Sleuth Gifts

"I'm not saying the lamb is good, but nobody's complained about it yet."

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

'To most people, 1984 is just a novel; around here it's our instruction manual.'

$1: Family Secrets

Maybe it's now time to review our customer care strategy!"

'And I want that end table for $40...' When bargain hunters crack.

Clickbait

Orderly Conduct of Sales

'Should I just hit 'reply to all' and save the government the trouble?'

If at first you don't succeed call it version 1.0

"Hacking and eavesdropping are my top skills. I guess you could say I'm a good listener."

CIA. Office of Disinformation. Please Use Other Door.

The Modern Godot

'It's something to do with a Microsoft copyright infringement.'

"...Software upgrade provides a seamless transition from simple functionality to multi-platform confusion, chaos and frustration..."

Uncle Sam is Big Brother.

'Okay - Let's crash that bad boy.'

You're certain you've had plenty of experience serving in a fine dining restaurant?

"Have you heard something that the rest of us don't know about?"

"Officer, someone hacked my bluetooth pressure cooker and blew my kitchen apart! What can I do?"

Retail Worker's Thanksgiving

"Password must contain at least one pictograph."

No, you were supposed to check the doorbell camera before lowering the drawbridge.

'I'm sure they make it up in volume.'

'Loose lips sink principalships.'

Shopper sees sign: Buy one get ripped off.

Two men converse secretively

'The price or the biscuits?'

What security flaw?

'Well the GOOD news is that the new software analyzed hundreds of thousands of potential customers to identify any that would have a genuine interest in the product...'

I figured out how these folks keep guaranteeing the precise day the world ends. Shhh. Keep it down. Why? It's a scam? If you read the read the fine print, they are promising that the world will begin to end that day. Could take forever. It's a no-lose scam … Shhh! What? It's scary when the world might end. There are a lot of people out there who need comforting. Women people, I presume. Women people, I presume. Who take comfort in necking. And you belittle their fears?

'Roughly translated it says 'Can't remember the code to get into your pyramid? Call Pharaoh Locksmithing.'

I'm loving the phone hacking scandal. I love it when ne'er-do-wells use technology to steal personal information. Because you like when people suffer. No. Because I love it when technology is proven as evil. Spare me. Technology is not evil. People are evil. Computers don't hack people. People hack people. Macs hack, Macs hack! You watch your mouth, filthy human! Fight, fight …

'Tech support says your anti-virus software did not catch the problem since it is not a virus. It's a bacterium.'

'This model sends back a pre-recorded message to any hacker.'