Service Interaction Analyst Pillows

"This conversation may be recorded for training purposes, depending on how well we confuse you."

"Remember Mr. Cockbundle is not just a 'customer', he is an important source of valuable and readily marketable data."

"Gosh, I can't believe it's been over 25 years since our company was dragged, kicking and screaming, into the digital age!"

The bluebird of passive-aggressiveness

"I meant the dog!"

"We're to stop talking about 'budget cuts'. Apparently it's depressing for staff and clients..."

"He's from IT. All I did was tell him I thought he was doing a great job... and he fainted in shock!"

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

Boss and worker communicating in exclaimation marks.

'It just doesn't get any beta than this.'

'The customers' suggestions make a lot of sense. I say, let's hire the customers and fire the staff!'

'The computer can talk to terminals all over the country. Bentley thinks it's talking about him.'

"Can you at least pretend to try and hold the elevator so I won't mull over and over how you didn't hold the elevator."

"The new system is 100% accurate as long as the client is called Colin and lives in Swindon."

"At first I thought it was just coincidence, then I noticed it corresponded perfectly to your shift."

Computer virus

'Remember that code we couldn't decipher for seven years? We deciphered it - but do we want to know everything there is to know about rainfall in eastern Peru?'

"It's early days but the new variant does seem a lot less aggressive!"

The psychiatrist.

'With my new phone I can lie out of both side of my mouth 24/7.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Unfortunately, it also makes the world's biggest mistakes.'

Happy looking computer

'Do you get the feeling there isn't much substance in most conversations?'

'You know, sometimes I think we don't even speak the same body language.'

"You know what I bet it is? I bet we're breaking up but we just don't realize it yet."

"May I air-quote you?"

"What do you mean 'Lets get rid of the middlemen' we are the middle men!"

"We don't call these savage screaming fits. We call them confrontational verbal interfacing."

"I can't take the job in customer relations. I hate the customers. How can I possibly deal with their relatives?"

"If I could take back ninety per cent of the things I say, then I think people would know the real me."

Weapons of Mass Comparison

'Nice talking to you, but would you please excuse me? I need to get some air...'

"I can't tell if I'm being overly sensitive or you're being a cold, controlling, maniacal jerk."