Serial Slimmer Pillows

Weight Loss Clinic: 'We help those who help themselves over and over and over again.'

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

Full fatHalf fatVirtually fat free.

The Procrastinatorium.

'You know that thin person inside you, struggling to get out? -- He seems to have gained weight, too.'

"Nice try Mrs Wimslow"

'I'm sorry, we can't give you a surgically inserted gastric band, as it appears you already have two!'

"I'm in the mood to swipe left on everything."

A fridge surrounded by books.

'Do you have any chocolate flavoured ones...?'

"I'm thinking of installing some strobe lights to make it look like he's moving."

"You never had to learn to relax, did you Fred?"

"Read my weight NOW!...NOW!"

Slimming World

"No . . . erasing food-search-apps from your browser history doesn't count as dieting."

Diet Foods: Bread and Water

"Now ladies, I hope none of you have been cheating."

"Do you recall how my eHarmony profile said I love to hike? Well, I lied."

"What is the first item on the to do list?"

'No, I didn't cheat on Bob. It was worse than that. I cheated on my diet.'

I gain weight every fall and then lose it in the spring. I have a seasonally adjusted figure.

"Another diet?"

"I'm really good at diets, this is my 50th!"

One last book

'Gee! Your diet's beginning to work!'

'And the best news, honey, is that you'll get another volume every month, for the next 27 months!'

On her doctor's order, Wanda watches how she eats.

"How was my internet date? Put it this way, I went online hoping for broadband; I got dial-up."

'My trick for looking slimmer is to only have friends who are fatter than me - not you, of course...'

"I thought I placed myself on a 'Do not call' list from you people. Well, as long as you're here, can you put Mom on?"

"Looks like my diet was just wishful shrinking."

'It's your birthday, if you point me in the direction of the kitchen I'll cook dinner, darling.'

'He hasn't been himself lately,notice the improvement?'

'Well done Mrs Fogherty. That's another three pounds you've lost this week, that will be three pounds please.'

"Stop talking to people at bus stops."