Senator Gifts

"He tells it like it is."

"You know what I like about power? It's so damn empowering."

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

'I know we can't repeal the laws of nature, but I don't see why we can't amend them a little.'

'It guides you through the halls of bureaucracy.'

VOTE, 'Yes, I said '#$%!%', but it was taken out of context!'

'Is my face red! -- I had so many appointments with lobbyists last session, I forgot to VOTE for anything!'

"Politics is the art of nothing is possible."

'I prefer to call it the system of checks and balances in action, senator, not gridlock.'

Mentoring (in politics)

'Next time, I say let's be proactive and vote ourselves a pay raise before the government shutdown.'

'Your lungs are in great shape, Senator. Do you work out?' 'No, I filibuster several hours a day.'

'Taking bribes is understandable, Senator, but you really shouldn't keep billing records.'

'If you loan me five bucks for lunch, I'll co-sponsor that $80 billion appropriation bill of yours.'

Mitch McConnell

Raising Taxes Is Political Suicide.

'Meet Your New Representative.'

'Answer these constituents letters. Tell them to go to hell in a nice way.'

'...But every once in a while...we manage to pass something!'

'Yes, I broke that campaign promise, but it was never NOTARIZED!'

'More and more millions here, more billions there, more trillions everywhere...it all adds up!'

His integrity is beyond reproach. He really believes his lies.

'I saw my shadow this morning, so I guess we're in for six more weeks of government gridlock.'

'This 'infrastructure' stuff you keep talking about -- does it have anything to do with vegetables?'

'This won't take long, Senator -- I'm a single-issue nut.'

Politician's mask

'How come everything I like is always unconstitutional?'

'Oh, he walks like a duck and talks like a duck, but he's still a turkey.'

'His idea of campaign finance reform is insisting on small bills.'

'Too old to be a rising star, too young to be one of a dying breed, but just the right age to be cantankerous obstructionist.'

"We've received many letters from your constituents urging you to stay right where you are."

'It's true that I accepted the bribe, seduced the intern, and stole the money, but I did it with the nation's best interests in mind.'

Committee on the Energy Afterlife. Politicians discuss presumed energy in the afterlife.

Diane Feinstein

"You were filibustering in your sleep again."