Self-service Savant T-Shirts

"Do-it-yourself checkout, and still the prices keep going up."

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

'Okay, okay, be patient!'

Fred interpreted the word compact as a verb, not as an adjective.

"Is that all they taught him at obedience school? How to use a can opener?"

"Do we really need the interactive garbage disposer?"

"I sense a lot more going on with you than 'house-husband."

Despite the economic downturn, sales are as good as ever.

'Sell South Africa!'

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

Rudy, I've noticed your upsells have fallen drastically over the last 16 years. More and more, you just give customers what they ask for instead of pushing them to buy a larger cup, an extra cookie, or a 3-minute bathroom pass. That is unacceptable. So I've signed you up for my mandatory "How to Upsell" course and ordered you the reading material. Tuition fees will be deducted from your check. As your first lesson, I've upgraded you from the 2-week course to the 15-day one for just $50 extra. Ve

Complete Makeover

'Let me through - I've a bargain for a nose!'

"To keep prices down, we require you to cook your own food, wait in yourselves and wash your dishes."

The company's marketing strategy became increasingly sophisticated.

"We don't believe in miracles. We rely on them."

Piggy Bank ATM

DIY Butchers

Look at these silly doorbuster promos for flat-screens and webcams. So? Tree's Trees. I'm not battling Black Friday traffic for a few bucks off junk I don't want. I hope someone does. I'm offering half off poinsettias for the first 25 customers. Tree's Tree Nursery. They're my gatebusters. Junk plants no one really wants.

'The forever stamps I purchased at 42 cents are now 44 cents. That's an annual apprciation of 2 which is more than you earned on your investment portfolio.'

"And the best feature of this shoe is you'll look Athletic even if you're not."

"Stimulating this area of the brain will enable the patient to think of all the clever things he wished he had said."

'I tell you, Angela, there's no sight sadder than a desperate adhesives salesman...'

Self Service Island

"It's been in self-drive mode all morning, maybe it's not programmed to recognise stop signs?"

'Coming to you direct from table nine; 'the polenta is cold'.'

"It's new. It's called a pre-tip. You pay me now and I'll actually bring your food before it's cold!"

"And when you've saved up enough money, what are you going to say in in your full-page ad in the New York Times?"

Nethead strip: Sale.com

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

'Our customer service was lousy, but from now on, we'll give the personal touch. Let's write to 'Hey lassies and dudes, what's up?'

"The Five Major Warning Signs of Baldness."

'Setting a low bar helps us to consistently exceed our expectations.'

Bob begins every day with Tie Chi

Don Z. And His User-Friendly Apartment