Self-service Savant T-Shirts

"Do-it-yourself checkout, and still the prices keep going up."

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

'Okay, okay, be patient!'

Fred interpreted the word compact as a verb, not as an adjective.

"Is that all they taught him at obedience school? How to use a can opener?"

Despite the economic downturn, sales are as good as ever.

"I sense a lot more going on with you than 'house-husband."

"Do we really need the interactive garbage disposer?"

'Sell South Africa!'

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

'Let me through - I've a bargain for a nose!'

"To keep prices down, we require you to cook your own food, wait in yourselves and wash your dishes."

Complete Makeover

The company's marketing strategy became increasingly sophisticated.

"We don't believe in miracles. We rely on them."

Piggy Bank ATM

DIY Butchers

'The forever stamps I purchased at 42 cents are now 44 cents. That's an annual apprciation of 2 which is more than you earned on your investment portfolio.'

Self Service Island

"And the best feature of this shoe is you'll look Athletic even if you're not."

"It's been in self-drive mode all morning, maybe it's not programmed to recognise stop signs?"

"Stimulating this area of the brain will enable the patient to think of all the clever things he wished he had said."

'Coming to you direct from table nine; 'the polenta is cold'.'

"It's new. It's called a pre-tip. You pay me now and I'll actually bring your food before it's cold!"

'Our customer service was lousy, but from now on, we'll give the personal touch. Let's write to 'Hey lassies and dudes, what's up?'

"And when you've saved up enough money, what are you going to say in in your full-page ad in the New York Times?"

Nethead strip: Sale.com

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

'Setting a low bar helps us to consistently exceed our expectations.'

"The Five Major Warning Signs of Baldness."

Bob begins every day with Tie Chi

Don Z. And His User-Friendly Apartment

'Waiter, your tip's getting cold.'