Self-reflection Satirist Gifts

"If I were a narcissist, I assure you I would be the first to know!"

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Man posing on beach as women ignore him.

'I can't stand his 'holier than thou' attitude.'

'Secondhand smoke.'

"Amazing, eh? Good-looking, dependable, trustworthy, inflatable."

"It all started when I didn't grow up in a palatial estate."

'Okay, but I'm going to hate myself in the morning.'

Bald man with a brush on his head

"I hacked into Santa's computer and discovered we're not on his naughty list. I feel we're letting our generation down."

"You can huff and puff all you want. The house is foreclosed and belongs to the bank."

Next, I remember looking down and thinking, man, those pants make my butt look huge.

"I hear Presbyterian is the new Methodist."

Litigious Bo Peep

'I often commit the sin of pride, Reverend. I imagine myself being googled.'

'Julie,has anyone told you how beautiful you look today? If so send them in for an eye test straight away!'

Beware of the blog...

"Long term I'm worried about global warming - short term, about freezing my ass off."

"I seem to bring out the worst in people."

Slower than a rubber-tipped arrow,as powerful as a wind-up choo-choo, unable to step over his shoelaces, it's Copyright Free Man!

Greed Is Getting Back to Normal

'I would appreciate if your young lady waited for you up the road,Wilkins.'

"Apparently removing my reproductive organs wasn't enough."

I call it "Self-portrait in Quicksand."

Still fits like a glove after all these years!

'Enjoying a little 'me time', Narcissus?'

'Saline implants? That'd kill you! I'd take anything Rick says with a grain of salt- But I suppose that'd kill you too.'

'Honey, does the wild pig that I swallowed whole for lunch make me look fat? No, dear, it's just the lighting.

"I'll miss drawing you, Bill Clinton."

"I've just joined a support group for boring people."

'Me, I weigh myself in the water: I get a better reading...'

Mobile Addiction

'Spare the price of roast chicken, seafood or soft cheeses, mate, as this wine would be the perfect accompaniment to them.'