Self-conscious Satirist Gifts

'Your surveillance videos always make me look fat.'

They're Not Just That Into It

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

Man posing on beach as women ignore him.

'I can't stand his 'holier than thou' attitude.'

Bald man with a brush on his head

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

"I didn't waste lockdown. I did my own facelift."

Psychological Warfare Target Practice

'Julie,has anyone told you how beautiful you look today? If so send them in for an eye test straight away!'

"Long term I'm worried about global warming - short term, about freezing my ass off."

'Be honest. Do I have ugly feet?'

Slower than a rubber-tipped arrow,as powerful as a wind-up choo-choo, unable to step over his shoelaces, it's Copyright Free Man!

'I would appreciate if your young lady waited for you up the road,Wilkins.'

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

I call it "Self-portrait in Quicksand."

"Apparently removing my reproductive organs wasn't enough."

'Saline implants? That'd kill you! I'd take anything Rick says with a grain of salt- But I suppose that'd kill you too.'

'Honey, does the wild pig that I swallowed whole for lunch make me look fat? No, dear, it's just the lighting.

'Actually, I learned a lot in college, but there are very few job openings out there for expert beer drinkers.'

'Me, I weigh myself in the water: I get a better reading...'

Isolation playlist

"Oh, come on! At least tell me I'm in the top fifty fairest people in the land!"

Doc, I firmly believe in portion control as long as I control them!

"I've just joined a support group for boring people."

"Methinks this breastplate doth make me look fat."

"...Capricorn? You are right to think change is overdue at work and much is happening."

'Oh, I have a very important job. I'm in charge of synchronizing all of the television commercials.'

Narcissus looks at his reflection in a pool of water; he is wearing a shirt that reads "Narcissus" written backwards so that he can read it properly in his reflection

"If I were a narcissist, I assure you I would be the first to know!"

"I need to look younger because I'm incredibly immature for my age."

"Self Service"

"Oh, just picking up the pieces of my life after a really traumatic haircut."

"I'm thinking of giving up being an international sex symbol."

Pre-Old Blues