Self-aware Philosopher Pillows

'The proliferation of bird watchers make me more and more self-conscious...'

"I was young and cocky because I wasn't aware of my shortcomings. Now I'm old and cocky because I can't remember what they are."

That party went well.

'I think I just had an epiphany. How do I make it go away?'

When did you first feel like a male trapped in a female body? When I was a foetus.

"I like you in that one—it gives you an aura of mindfulness."

"Look, it's my word balloon."

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"My inner child wants to have a playdate with your inner child."

"Is this who I am?"

Tesseract of the D'Urbervilles.

"We're making a video of us watching TV so we can watch ourselves watching TV...later."

" I'm sorry. I was so busy listening to myself talk that I forgot what I was saying."

"Oh No!! - I'm deciduous..."

Always remember...you're the best you in the world.

"Maybe I'm not the best choice to ask if your silly wife cartoons are funny!"

I wonder what they're moaning about right now?

"God help us, it's that guy."

"Feeling that only you can prevent forest fires could be construed as delusions of grandeur."

'Can you remember where you were when you first realized you were full of crap?'

"I'm realizing how useless I'd be in a post apocalyptic world - All I do is draw cartoons."

'You're not fooling anybody but yourself.' 'There goes my political career!'

So doctor, what you're saying is that all the time I thought she was a crazy cat lady, it was me who had mental health issues...

'I'm a narcissist? - Are you saying I'm not perfect?'

"Mort, I'm writing a case study about two diametrically opposed archetypes of your generation. Archetype number one: a bold, debonaire male... The type that suffered no fools, lived life to the fullest, and pursued romance with tough, smart 'dames' who kept him on his toes. And then there's archetype number two: weak, insecure, afraid of life, and dominated by overbearing romantic partners who brought him to his knees. Ok. I'll participate. Who'd you find for archetype #2? You might want to

Motorway of the Self

"Wait ... I always thought taking each other for granted was a good thing!"

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

"The perfect killing machine? Is that all I am to you?"

'Can you remember where you were when you first realized you were full of crap?'

"My, aren't we patient-oriented this morning."