Sealant Sampler Pillows

"I can sell you the caulk, but there's a waiting period for the gun."

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

Sauce for the Goose

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

'Diet considerations.'

Sinking Sand

Food samples in supermarket - 'There's a stick in mine.'

'English homework leaves a pleasant after taste. History takes like fast food. But math is a real bummer on my digestive tract.'

"I asked folks to bring whatever they want, so now we have ten tubs of guacamole, no chips, and eight cases of the most obnoxiously flavored hard seltzer."

Man with fake beard gets a package from the Beard of the Month club.

Eating raw cake mix.

NEW FALL LINEUP

"I don't understand it - no matter how much I drink coffee, play on my phone, refresh my e-mail, look up things online, go to the kitchen for snacks, message my friends, scroll through Twitter, and play with the cats, I still can't get any writing done."

'I had a taste of my own medicine yesterday - Yuck!'

"I'm not mocking your song—I'm sampling it."

'Which' Consumer Testing Whiskies

"SHEESH. What will it be like when I'm eighty?!"

"I used to be a foodie. Now I'm a fussy glutton."

When Mrs Murray said you should vary your diet I don't think she meant to just try all 16 flavours of POT NOODLES.

Holistic Alcohol Consumption

"I'm on the whisky diet - I've lost 3 days already..."

Eric Clapton.

'You know, hors d'oeuvres are completely lost on your side of the family.'

Working from home.

"Have you ever thought about putting out, instead of pretzels, maybe peanuts?"

Midlife Madness

"It's the right drink in the right place at the right time."

"Something to make her forget that I forgot her birthday!"

"Install that, then uninstall that. Open that, then close that. Update that, then delete that. Run that program, then end that program..."