Sealant Sampler Pillows

"I can sell you the caulk, but there's a waiting period for the gun."

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

Sauce for the Goose

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

'Diet considerations.'

Sinking Sand

Food samples in supermarket - 'There's a stick in mine.'

'English homework leaves a pleasant after taste. History takes like fast food. But math is a real bummer on my digestive tract.'

'I'm sorry we put bearnaise sauce on your fillet by mistake. Randy will have it off there in a jiffy.'

"I asked folks to bring whatever they want, so now we have ten tubs of guacamole, no chips, and eight cases of the most obnoxiously flavored hard seltzer."

'Anyone else seeing a pattern here?'

Man with fake beard gets a package from the Beard of the Month club.

NEW FALL LINEUP

Eating raw cake mix.

"I don't understand it - no matter how much I drink coffee, play on my phone, refresh my e-mail, look up things online, go to the kitchen for snacks, message my friends, scroll through Twitter, and play with the cats, I still can't get any writing done."

'I'm part of a double-blind study to see how weight loss supplements help people lose weight. I'm guessing I received the sugar pill placebos.'

'I had a taste of my own medicine yesterday - Yuck!'

"I'm not mocking your song—I'm sampling it."

'Smoked salmon and cream cheese. What's in yours?'

'Which' Consumer Testing Whiskies

Meat. No, I have no idea what the heck you just shoved in your mouth, I'm giving away toothpicks. Free samples.

"I used to be a foodie. Now I'm a fussy glutton."

"SHEESH. What will it be like when I'm eighty?!"

When Mrs Murray said you should vary your diet I don't think she meant to just try all 16 flavours of POT NOODLES.

Holistic Alcohol Consumption

"I'm on the whisky diet - I've lost 3 days already..."

Eric Clapton.

'You know, hors d'oeuvres are completely lost on your side of the family.'

Working from home.

American 'Idle'.

"Have you ever thought about putting out, instead of pretzels, maybe peanuts?"

"You've passed me three times already. This is your last chance, buster, or I'm sending you straight to bed without your free samples."

Midlife Madness

"It's the right drink in the right place at the right time."

"Something to make her forget that I forgot her birthday!"