Scrimmage Enthusiast Gifts

Zack and Max were injured in scrimmage today. Tough break. Not for me. Teddy! That's not good sportsmanship. It's nothing personal. More injuries and I'll be put in the game! Ahh! A strategic player.

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Pete Sampras

The Snarky District

Thrift: New way to eat eggs (avoid needless transport costs).

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"I just..."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

'I'm not motivated by profit, Henderson - I'm motivated by excessive profit.'

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"Miss Duxbury, put me through to someone."

"Next on the agenda: How can we crush workers' spirit, while appearing to care?"

The Smartass Phone

"Next time I tell you to take a left, just don’t listen to me."

"He gets his best ideas that way."

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

"I like it, honey ... it speaks to what a waste of time your MFA was."

'We're cutting back on our legal expenses and going with the violence instead.'

I think my work ethic needs some work. Not to mention some ethics.

'I'm looking for a card that says if I didn't get you this, I'd never hear the end of it.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"We should never take walks like this more often."