Screens Gifts

Danger: Fall Hazard

"Just a damned minute!"

Neck Doctor

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Showbiz Awards

The Ray Bradbury classic, 'The Car Alarm.'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

Herman Mankiewicz

"The prostate biopsy shows your pain threshold is much higher than normal."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"Not to be a motion picture - will remain just a book'

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

'This should be perfect. The main characters fall in love during a series of explosions.'

Stand-up Romcom

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

"I need a little more drama like a ten part mini-series."

"It turns out that if you give a hundred monkeys a hundred typewriters, eventually they'll turn out the work of Tarantino."

The ghosts of Christmas yet to come.

"Max! Oh, my God! There's like a billion moving ideas in there!"

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

"More rescue efforts, less screenplay."

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

Canadian film production

'This is the worst film noir I've ever seen.'

"You had the power to leave all along - just click your heels three times, grab your coat, and sneak out without saying goodbye."

Multi-Tasking

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'