Scientific Investor Gifts

'I sure wish there was a formula for picking the right mutual fund!'

'Now that I have your attention...'

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

Profit

Businessmen trying to prop up a line-chart with sticks

'Quick! We need a bigger chart in here!'

Today we'll see some misused or misunderstood financial and economic terms. It's said inflation can hurt the economy. But it's absolutely in the tire business. I bought this warm puffy jacket with cash. A down payment. We like beer and coffee. Our most valuable liquid assets. In a monopoly breakup, the race car would to go one person and the dog to another. And when I become either a buyer or a seller. He's shorting the market!

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

'The prevailing wisdom is that markets are always right. I think that luck is always right.'

Or as I prefer to call it, the 'feel-good' factor.

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

'Looks like your cash cow just got diverted to the slaughterhouse.'

'Honey, where's my cell phone?'

'He's so rich, when he writes a cheque the bank bounces.'

"I'm from brokers without borders. Invest in deserted island reits!"

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."

"Son, you're old enough now for The Talk: everything you need to know about compound interest."

"Is this the best investment strategy you could come up with?"

'The good news is I had a very good year.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Wall St. or True Love.

Will work for ETFs

"Fantastic presentation! All of the investors loved it."

'Greek debt was downgraded for the 11th time this week, by S&P, to P.O.S. Negative Infinity, meaning it's safer to eat uranium, than own Greek debt.'

'Investment charts can be complicated, son, but that usually means, 'bonuses'.'

'Wavering between being bullish or bearish'

"I think I just solved my cash flow problem."

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'