Scientific Conference Gifts

"Do you realize that you and I have it in our power to cause quite a brouhaha?'

"I've always dreamed of being on an academic team like this! It's great that we can all depend on each other!"

Though he created more than 300 products from peanuts, George Washington Carver was unable to change even one of them back into a peanut.

We need a new eco project. Ok. Let's get locally grown food into the school cafeteria. What's our strategy? We can start with the potatoes. I'll make the poster. We want home fries.

Academic Idol - 'Professor Johannsen's paper was zippy. It had robust vocabulary and I almost felt that I could dance to it. I would give it a 7.'

'I've learned a lot about myself at these meetings...like, I can fall asleep with my eyes open!'

Inclusive speech

'Tastes like cherry kool-aid, what's it do?'

The interested bystanders.

"Nervous about this morning's presentation?"

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

'Complete sentences?? Jeez, how verbose can you get?'

'My science project is an experiment in static electricity.'

'...and now, Gentlemen, we come to our final lecture in advanced cardiology...'

Science Museum. Why are you skeptical about the things scientists say? Because they claim the universe is expanding but when I visited my childhood hometown, everything was smaller.

"I understand the revisionists are hot on your trail, Professor Delauney."

'Kids, today, Xerf brought in a planet that he found. Now if we look at it closely under the microscope, you can still see it's inhabitants scrambling around.'

"I love these off-site business meetings."

Mark Zuckerberg

'Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure my little talk has made you all think'

"I don't think the guy with the business-card cannon has ever been to an actual networking event,"

'Our goal is to stress di-versity while remaining a uni-versity.'

'Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking...'

Science Fair Judgements

"We serve danishes because that's just how I roll!"

Nuclear generation of energy.

"Gross."

'I'm pretty sure I have a Ph.D. I think one came bundled with my new computer.'

'It makes conferences so much cheaper, no travel costs and we only need to buy our own drinks!'

Conference Pears

Wearing a sales chart as a name badge.

"Mine's bigger than yours."

'Time management seminar. Start: five-ish.'

'And in conclusion.'

"This year the endowed chair will go to whomever pulls the sword from the stone."