School Mavens Pillows

'I took her to register in kindergarten, and they wanted a damage deposit.'

'Surely they're not ALL still in their offices!'

'She thinks it makes her look enigmatic.'

"That's a big fat lie!"

'This is all without rhyme or reason.'

'No-one buys these stylish frames for their eyes, usually it's for their Facebook photo's.'

'We'll skip that rubbish.'

"I have to start thinking out of the box."

Ralph Stanley

National Optometrists Association. O.K., whose idea was it to form a focus group?…

Dracula Admires His Offspring.

"Gotta go. My ten o'clock is here."

Tuba Player Stores a Barrel of Beer

"My great-uncle Lupe owned a barber shop! He made a lot of money!"

"After buying his 698th mobile device, his wife had him committed."

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

'All those opposed, signify by using the usual sign.'

"Fred and Ginger, but of course not the Fred and Ginger."

"Well the good news is that 67 people want to attend the leadership course, the bad news is that 58 of them want to run it!"

"You people make me sick. Nonetheless, here's a little toe-tapper."

"My one-man band is breaking up."

"All in favor of toupees, say aye."

Houdini tries to get out of dinner with his in-laws.

Space Turkey Aliens visit a family on Thanksgiving.

'Well, the whole purpose of creating the species was because I needed a pill for impotence. Now that they've invented this, we can make them extinct!'

"I'm glad I found the time to join this meeting, otherwise we wouldn't see each other in years!"

'I've been a model, a film star, a soap star, a dress designer... next I'm going to write a children's book and after that...'

Elton John

'She's so posh, she can make her wind sound like Verdi's 'Requiem'.'

"Nowadays, Mr. Lambert, we practice preventive medicine. In laymen's terms, this means I don't do a damn thing until I talk to my lawyer."

'We have a tournament to see which drug reps get to see the doctors.'

'My Brew's really hoppy. . . I use the whole frog!'

'The pressure is too great. We want to be transferred out of panacea research.'

"Oh my God, I HAVE to touch your hair!"

"Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and Botox bubble."