Scholarly Progressionist Pillows

Tenure.

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

You wrote a book report on a video game instruction manual?

Joined at the hipster.

'Of course homosexuality is not a sin, handsome.'

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"How is it gendered?"

'..Then people will say, 'Why can't dogs get married?'.. And then, 'Why can't cats and dogs marry?'..'

Fight for Your Democratic Right to Be Ignored

Vote Progressive: 'It's not the rich, it's people trying to get rich who create new jobs!'

'Remember the old days, when all of this was phallocentric?'

Republicans Refuse To Raise The Glass Ceilings

Dear (some of) my fellow lefties. . . shut up and get the hell off my side.

"I thought you did a great job with your gender neutral statements ... There will be a second date."

"Don't worry, Emily. . . I'm woke and you're woke, so I'm sure our baby will turn out woke!"

Progress?

"What's with kids nowadays? Walking upright's not good enough for you?"

I channeled John Dewey. He says if you want to be a good teacher, don't teach reading and writing. Teach students.

'Corporations Sitting on a Mountain of Cash, and they're not Hiring!'

"Sure, but what have you invented lately?"

"Well, we've finally miniaturized this device as much as is practical. Time to make it big again."

"Whatever happened to traditional marriages? There they are...on national television...with millions of people watching...two women getting married! And they're both wearing blue jeans!"

"I'll bet that in a few years, gender won't be a wedge issue like it is today!"

'In a five to four decision today, the Supreme Court picked social justice over regular justice.'

"Archaeologists discovered several enormous ancient cities buried under the jungles of Cambodia. That means the Khmer civilization was the largest empire on Earth from the 9th to the 12th centuries. That changes everything about our conception of the Middle Ages. What was your conception of the Middle Ages? Well... it was... well, knights, maidens, dragons... mostly dragons. And elves."

Academic Affairs: The Chair of Philosophy Corners the Chair of the Sciences

"Well, for starters, Matt has been showing definite improvement in risk-taking."

'Though we must innovate, and though we must grow, we must never lose sight of our core mediocrities.'

Dorothy finds the Yellow brick road is now a 6-lane expressway.

"He's a very alternative vicar - he's installed wind chimes.'

"We've concluded that an alarming percentage of the population are experiencing involuntary eye-rolling at the word 'inclusion'."

"I guess "heterosexual backwoodsmen" doesn't have the same ring to it."

Randi Rhodes

Leftie Trump

"It's very sensitive of you to realize that men like to get flowers!"