Progressive Mind Pillows

'Careful, Jake. I think he's gettin' ideas.'

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

"Could I ask just one question?"

"Personally, I'm a doer."

'Of course homosexuality is not a sin, handsome.'

Liberal Vote-Shaming Explained

Joined at the hipster.

'Ben had it custom built. He gets to all the good spots first.'

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

"How is it gendered?"

'..Then people will say, 'Why can't dogs get married?'.. And then, 'Why can't cats and dogs marry?'..'

"And you need to know this why?"

Assertiveness

"It's going to be one of those days."

Fight for Your Democratic Right to Be Ignored

Vote Progressive: 'It's not the rich, it's people trying to get rich who create new jobs!'

"Are we overthinking this?"

'Remember the old days, when all of this was phallocentric?'

"I like to think that each generation will need a little less therapy than the generation before."

Dear (some of) my fellow lefties. . . shut up and get the hell off my side.

"We think your telephone is a great invention, Mr Bell, but is a bit basic. How about adding a phonograph to it?"

"Don't worry, Emily. . . I'm woke and you're woke, so I'm sure our baby will turn out woke!"

Republicans Refuse To Raise The Glass Ceilings

"Face it -- you resent me for the exploring in depth a world that you take for granted."

Flag bearers

"What's with kids nowadays? Walking upright's not good enough for you?"

I channeled John Dewey. He says if you want to be a good teacher, don't teach reading and writing. Teach students.

'Corporations Sitting on a Mountain of Cash, and they're not Hiring!'

"Well, we've finally miniaturized this device as much as is practical. Time to make it big again."

"Sure, but what have you invented lately?"

'In a five to four decision today, the Supreme Court picked social justice over regular justice.'

"OK, let's hear it - but this better not be another one of your pie-in-the-sky ideas."

"Well, I thought I'd give fencing a try, but I sucked at it."

"I'll bet that in a few years, gender won't be a wedge issue like it is today!"

'Do you know where your phone charger is? . . . I know where mine is.'