Satirical Philanthropist Gifts

"We steal gold from the rich and sell it to a metals broker. They make a prfit on their buy and sell spread and share a portion of that with us. Then, after the skimming and the rebates, we give to the poor."

"Thank you, and may the I.R.S. accept all your deductions."

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'Today the Yuan rose against the pork belly, the chicken beak, the eel, the wanton, and the egg noodle.'

'I'd like to think they contribute because it's the right thing to do, but I'm not above a short sermon on tax deductibility.'

During the Holiday season, Mr. Arthur Jeffries takes a little time to think of those who are less fortunate.

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

Without telling me, you invested my salary in The Infant Restaurant Critic. It's a funny story, actually … Weeks earlier, the cafe got a visit from a baby whose screaming and yelling can make or break the restaurant. If the baby eats the food, the eatery gets a good review online. If not, ouch. It's not Yelp, more like yell. Or whine. But like so many subjective concepts, this one can be corrupted. It turned out that the entrepreneurs behind The Infant Restaurant Critic were willing to compromis

CEO slumber

Sonny Bono - Singer/US Congressman.

Corporate Head to others at meeting: 'Today is financial Arbor Day. We're going to find some worthwhile charity and plant a money tree.'

"Now, before we actually help them, let's discuss our partnership and method of assisting."

'I try to help when I can.'

"There's a worry that if we impose rules on hedge funds they may leave the UK..."

'I'm walking across the nation to raise awareness of my fabulous legs.'

'Calm down. I heard them say we're just going into town for haircuts.'

"Can I interest you in a ledge fund?"

'Ever think that if you make another billion you'll be happy, and then you do, but you're not?'

"All I know is, I named my pet porcupine Bill Ackman, and he immediately lost a hundred points."

'I prefer old fashion email messages. I can always deny I ever got them.'

'Bascombe has put all his mutual fund assets into a blind trust, but it was set up so well he can't even locate it.'

"Damn it—I think I just butt-donated to a charity."

"What's the current return on investment?"

'At $87,000, I'd say this comes from the artist's I'm-milking-this-for-all-I-can Period.'

"I won't be donating my tech billions to this school."

"He's better at begging than I am."

"If I change my name to Red Cross, can I keep the donations?"

'It's 'Wolverines Without Borders'. . . They want you to perform classic Fusco material in development countries where people don't have access to the comics.'

"We will begin with Schubert's 'Unfinished' Symphony, and that will be followed by Beethoven's 'Unwanted Sexual' Overture."

'Recreational cycling is such fun!'

Ladies-Gents-Whatever

"I'd like to get back to doing less for charity."

"I'd like to help you out, but I've misplaced my wand."

'The All-American Fund - may contain trace amounts of overseas investments.'

'Then one day money no longer turned me on, so I decided to give it all away to a young dame named 'Charity'.'