Satirical Outlook Pillows

"I don't mind if it's a boy or girl so long as I Get Child Benefit."

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

'And as my chart clearly shows, I don't know anything.'

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

'My door is always open. That's why I installed a tripwire.'

Reverse psychology

Under new blame.

'Stop emailing me, I am standing right here.'

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

'I'd go back if I were you.'

Coronavirus Windmills

"In school we learned about Staten Island. Is that where they make all those pills you take?"

"I'm not going to lie. It took a large speaker's fee to get me to say your future is bright."

"What are you going to do to make sure you reach this year's financial goals?"

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

'Johnson, if you're going to have negative thoughts, I suggest you get rid of that thought balloon!'

'If executive bonuses are outlawed, only outlaws will have bonuses.'

"I say we downsize the company to the five of us and see if we can isolate the problem then."

Elvis fan holding a sign reading 'NOT MY KING'.

"Hey germ, pick on someone your own size."

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

'I thought the memo was quite clear. What part didn't you understand?'

'I still say there are better ways to decide which positions to eliminate!'

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

'I'll place the bets. You just be sure to hit the hare with the tranquilizer.'