Satirical Crime Enthusiast Pillows

"Do you want to order a contract killing, Don Carlos, or a pay-as-you-go killing?"

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

'I got 397 dead birds and the mayor breathing down my neck. So, is this our perp or just another copycat?'

'I mean, what sort of thief only takes a dog bowl?'

"Wear a wire? Oh, no, all of our police informants have gone wireless."

'You got twenty years for hunting without a license? Kind of stiff, isn't it?'

"One crime on this island and everyone's a suspect!"

Police Lineup Escape

Petty Aero Larceny - I Stealing a Dinner.

'I won't be able to look up your account right now. Our computers have been impounded by the authorities.'

"For a masked intruder, you seem to know your way around the house."

'OK, give him the money but we'll need to hold onto the gun as collateral.'

'I'm in for identity theft, I stole it off someone who was wanted for murder.'

"It was passed from my grandfather to my father, from my father to me, and now from me to you. Twenty bucks."

"You mean to say, Mr. 'Smiles,' that someone else left the scene wearing size 22 shoes?"

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

"Do you accept ill-gotten gains?"

"Everyone we know is escaping and you sit there doing nothing."

"We find a murdered ventriloquist dummy and have reason to believe you had a hand in it."

'First off, your average Paolozzi has far fewer holes than your Moore.'

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

Mafia machine gun case.

'All your money or the pig sneezes!'

"Do you know what time they open love?"

"Everybody freeze! This is a stickup!"

An old dog learns a new trick.

'I can't believe you gave them your resume instead of the holdup note!'

"If you killed him using a tennis racket, you need a sports lawyer."

'And what do you do?'

Money Launderette

'My only witness and alibi for the bank job was the guy I was robbing across in another part of town.'

"Jeff! Have you been sleepwalking again?!"