Satirical Botanist T-Shirts

'If you pretend to water these fake flowers they'll last longer.'

Burmese pythons discussing a complete invasion.

'It's not as easy as you think - saddle sores, bursitis in the shoulder, pigeons...'

"I don't know the Latin, but the common name is climbing onion."

Excellent crop! What's your secret?

'Where do you see yourself in five minutes?'

'Remove the fur and claws and these genetically engineered apples taste just fine.'

"I wouldn't take the name 'dog strangling vine' literally."

"Weeds are like kids. They grow up so fast."

Little Farm Shop of Horrors with G.M produce turned into man eating plant

Executive grows martinis in his garden.

The beautiful but deadly 'Venus dog trap'.

Glimpses One Dollar

"Where are the perineums?" "Aisle 3. Between the vaginas and the rectums."

"Yes, sir, it's Houstonia Michauxii and it prefers shade or semi-shade."

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

"Can you believe we walked right past security?"

"Hide? What do you mean hide? We are literally camouflage and they still eat us!"

For the new gardener.

F&E Landscape Architects. Ground cover plants are the Peter Pan of landscape design. The never "grow up"!

"Psst...The grass is a plant!"

"It's a bird feeder to attract birds of prey."

'A remarkable specimen. It's a bonsai oak but badly affected by giantism.'

"The scientists never stopped to ask if they should - only if they could."

Escaping Flowers

Woman Planting Flowers in her Snow Covered Garden.

"Okay, but irony aside, what happens once we get into their den?"

"Don't worry, the pain will stop once everything goes numb."

"I've discovered why it isn't cutting the grass properly - it's a vacuum cleaner."

"Trust me, she's had work done."

Venus fly trap.

Mystery vegetable growing in plot.

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

Talk to your plants - but never enter a suicide pact with one.

Hey, I think I'm going to like global warming.