Sartorial Sarcasm Pillows

'I like to wear women's collars.'

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

Another day at work would be one too many...

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"We're at the top of the food chain and rulers of all we survey. What could possibly go wrong?"

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

Do it yourself books.

"1-1"

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

The Snarky District

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

Czarcasm

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Pharaoh Cocoon

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

'I imagine you'll be asking for a full refund.'

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"You call this sweating bullets over the Jackson account? What caliber?"

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

Walk or don't. You're a grown man. Make your own decisions.

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”