Sardonic Salary Seeker Pillows

"I never said they were well-compensated. I just said they were paid handsomely."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Targets

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"You don't get a raise because it's a job killer!"

'You may experience some discomfort.'

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

"Occasionally he allows staff to voice their grievances..."

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

'It couldn't be much fresher ,sir - didn't you see it wink at you ?'

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

"Look Marj, decalf."

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

"It's not garden decking. The wind blew the fence down last night."

'Science shows cats love you!'

The Devil's Advocat

Disadvantages of having a parking meter for a friend...

Self-serve island

Man Gives Death the Finger.

'The little woman hide the remote control, and I've lost ten pounds looking for it!'

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

'The day you were born was a medical error!'

'A health report today warned skeptics, who take everything with a grain of salt, could result in abnormal hypertension. . .'

'I quite the wine class after 5 minutes. The instructor started by saying that wine a liquid, but it's dry.'

"Do you want a pinch of dinner."