Sardonic Salary Seeker Pillows

"I never said they were well-compensated. I just said they were paid handsomely."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Targets

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"You don't get a raise because it's a job killer!"

'You may experience some discomfort.'

'Don't be so velodramatic!'

"Occasionally he allows staff to voice their grievances..."

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"Look Marj, decalf."

'It couldn't be much fresher ,sir - didn't you see it wink at you ?'

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

"It's not garden decking. The wind blew the fence down last night."

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

'The little woman hide the remote control, and I've lost ten pounds looking for it!'

Disadvantages of having a parking meter for a friend...

The Devil's Advocat

Self-serve island

Man Gives Death the Finger.

'The day you were born was a medical error!'

'I quite the wine class after 5 minutes. The instructor started by saying that wine a liquid, but it's dry.'

'A health report today warned skeptics, who take everything with a grain of salt, could result in abnormal hypertension. . .'

"Based on today's experience, how likely is it that you would recommend your arresting officer to friends and fellow villains?"

"Do you want a pinch of dinner."