Sarcastic Sleeper Gifts

'He LIVES! -- The monster LIVES!'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"Fetch!" "Sorry, I'm on a break."

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"I'm not whining."

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."

'Remember, guys, there's no 'I'll kill you before I ever budge an inch on any position' in TEAMWORK.'

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'

'Tap water?! As if.'

Sometimes a Good Excuse to Get off the Telephone is Hard to Find

"I told my boss there weren't enough hours in my day. He said that's why they invented the night."

'This is the worst wine I've ever tasted--I'll take 20 cases.'