Sarcastic Philanthropists Gifts

'I'm as generous as the next guy but I never give to secret fundraisers because I know for a fact that 120% of all the money goes on administration and these people all drive home in better cars than me.'

Another day at work would be one too many...

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"For my will I decided to cut out the middle man and bequeath all my money to the IRS."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'At least we don't have to worry about getting those as gifts.'

'I'm walking across the nation to raise awareness of my fabulous legs.'

Men Not Working.

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

"Don't worry. Very soon you'll be back to what passes as normal for you."

"Where do you see yourself in five years and what are you doing now to avoid it?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady, can't you read?"

"I don't know anything about politics or foreign relations, but I do know that Madelyn Albright's a babe."

"We steal gold from the rich and sell it to a metals broker. They make a prfit on their buy and sell spread and share a portion of that with us. Then, after the skimming and the rebates, we give to the poor."

"Really, it's okay of you don't like it. I'll just put it back in the neighbor's garbage."

Investment Services. I have a tidy sum I'd like to turn into a great big mess.

The Golden Book of Lying & Cheating

"It's only by cultivating a deep mutual trusting relationship with clients that you'll get the chance to shaft them more than once!"

"I'd be very happy to give if I could be confident the money was spent well!"

'The meek won't inherit the earth, just the national debt.'

"I won't be donating my tech billions to this school."

"For God's sake Kingston, the patient clapped - what more do you want?"

'Let's just round this column off to the nearest nickel.'

'Have no fear, we won't be suffering the same naive investment errors as other councils, I've placed our funds safely in the account of a deposed Nigerian General who just emailed me.'

"I contributed a lot to charity when I thought I was going to die."

"Wrap it up, sir. Schadenfreude visiting hours are almost over."

"Just for arguments sake. Let's imagine that it is the bank's business to know what you want the loan for."

"Ms. Jones, find out what my favorite charity is and let me know please."

"Expressions of support for your attempted suicide keep pouring in."

"Baldo, I'm thinking of limiting your cell phone use."