Sarcastic Handyman Gifts

Do it yourself books.

Another day at work would be one too many...

Exciting potato bugs.

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

Redhead

Tolls: Must have exact change and tails up.

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

Bureau of the Damned

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

'I was hoping traffic would ease up after the polar ice cap melted.'

"Sorry, I'm not criticizing your driving so much as I'm marvelling that you're still alive."

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'He lost his whistle,'

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

'At least we don't have to worry about getting those as gifts.'

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"Who would you like me to call first, the electrician or the plumber?"

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

I think that computer might be giving out a little too much heat... Energy efficient IT systems.

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

"Should I fix it or call it a water feature?"

"No one knows his identity. He just turns up, cuts your grass, then departs without leaving his name. They call him the Lawn Ranger."

'The chef says that the quail was out but he prepared that little critter he ran over on the motorway which tastes similar and you nouveau riche snobs will never notice the difference anyway.'

Chinese Cuisine. I think that hedge fund manager misplaced his after-meal cookie. That would be the second fortune he lost.

'You're problem is you don't think big enough.'

'Of course you get TV here. You just don't get the remote.'

"Clean your wallet, sir?"

'Dang it Sharif, I told you we shouldn't built the jacuzzi on an ancient bee burial ground.'

Duh Magazine