Santamaniacs Pillows

"Because Santa doesn't like his end of our gift exchange. I bring kids toys and they bring me flu-bearing germs."

'Incredibly Inexpensive Sound Engineers. Pretty Good Sound Engineers, 12 the price, 23 the quality. You'll hardly notice the occasional feedback.'

Ted Hughes

For instance, a $25 delivery charge. You'd clean up right there.

"Redcoat is down! Repeat, redcoat is down!"

'Toys?! Good heavens, no! I made my fortune through commercial endorsements.'

'I agreed to guide you, My contract says nothing about pulling a sleigh,'

"We're history, Rudolph....I tell ya, we're history."

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

Nikolai Alekseevich Klyuev

Santa Elevator

Deviled HamDeviled Eggs.

Santa Claws...

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

"It had an interesting emotional arc and some nice plot twists, but the heroine and subsidiary characters were unconvincing within the historical context."

"Just put one foot directly in front of the other, sir, and walk in as straight a line as possible."

'Sir, we're just not reaching them. Only a small percentage of people own vinyl records, and hardly anyone thinks to play them backwards.'

"I'll recommend your book if you recommend mine."

Priest walks by a religious book shelf and and a Satan book pops out to hit him on the head.

Santa left a six pack and cookies.

Almost got away with it, until he tried to bury the body and dug a little too deep.

Santa vs traffic warden...

I brake for Jetliners.

Where Yule Logs Come From.

'You can see concrete things, but not abstract things.'

Don't fly and text.

Devil reading ransom note: We have your thermostat.

'Really? A Bride of Satan? Golly, Lucille, why did you wait until our fourth date to tell me you were already married?'

'See! I told you the roof needed repairing.'

Sanitizer

'What do you mean you don't rent helicopters?' (Santa shot all his reindeer)

Sacrifices at 4:00PM and 6:00PM

"Watch out. He's got the Naughty or Nice app."

'There goes my New Year's resolution to be a better person.'

'Sorry we don't do 'Pay-as-you-ho' contracts'