Santa Sleigh Theorists Gifts

It was brighter than most, and Biggins allowed himself a quiet smile as he contemplated the immense speeds involved as it burned itself up in the atmosphere...

Punk Reindeer

"I think I preferred it before he became an equal-opportunity employer."

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

"It's creepy thinking that Santa can sneak into my house undetected. I must find out how he does it!"

'Listen, Santa. Either you repay what you owe, or we reposses Rudolph!'

'I mind my mother, and I do my lessons, and I'm here for the quid pro quo.'

'No, it doesn't have to snow for Santa to get here. He probably drives a big four-wheel-drive SUV ... '

Santa's Workshop: Moved to China

"Hey Ed, take a look at this...more sleigh bells...what is this thing?"

'With all those presents Santa carries, do you think he packs heat? . . . And maybe he's not really fat, but he's wearing a kevlar vest.'

"Psychiatric emergency service? Please come fast, I have one here who believes in me!"

'Shhhhh...He's preparing for the holiday season.'

'I hate when they do this.'

"I like the Easter Bunny - I find him less judgmental than Santa Claus."

Noel Fever

"I thought you might like to have a merrier brain for the new millennium!"

'I don't really believe in Santa Claus anymore, but I don't want to disillusion my parents.'

About Santa 2017.

"What I want for Christmas is to have the day off and watch 'Miracle on 34th Street'."

"Wow! My calculations show that on Christmas night, Santa Claus will visit 1 house every .83 seconds!"

"Who wants to talk to Santa? Anyone? Hello?"

Outward bound/Homeward bound.

"Lately I've had uncontrollable cravings for venison.

"Mrs. Santa Claus wants a divorce, the elves in my workshop is on strike, the reindeer just hate me and global warming makes my place in the North Pole melt!"

"Naughty? Nice? It's a bit more nuanced than that..."

'Of course, how else do you think we get off the ground? '

"It's unrealistic for us to have a chimney, tree, or stockings, so you can forget about Santa."

'I know if you've been bad or good thanks to surveillance cameras in last year's toys.'

'He sees me when I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake...'

"Well... I don't believe in you either!"

'HA! Just as I thought! These are DAD'S fingerprints, not SANTA'S.'

SANTA'S WORKSHOP, 'Kris, Kringle, Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas -- if you're on the level, why all the aliases?'

"... Santa, eh? Do you have any form of identification?"

'No government funding? No corporate support? Just what kind of ponzi scheme are you running?'