Saintly Screen-watcher Pillows

Monk

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

"You are running low on cloud storage space. Please upgrade your account to continue."

'Yeah, I know your idea of heaven is to play golf all day, but all we have is shuffleboard!'

Halo Frisbee.

"Did you really think you were getting in here?"

Seatback in upright position, fasten safety belt, listen closely...prepare to be bombarded with promotional advertising through the rest of the flight!

"It's right here… Nov. 29th, 1981, at Elaine's… twelve percent."

Next World Tours

"Relax, I grade on the curve."

'Before we begin, let's say a little prayer for humility.'

"Hmmm...says here that you were in charge of your church's Puppet Ministry."

"The lost password department's that way."

'Today's sermon is from St. Matthew, Chapter Five....'

"Newsdesk? I've got a celebrity story for you ..."

"This is the break room, where we watch reruns of classic security footage."

'I'm real sorry. It was all the 'blonde' jokes you told.'

"I'm afraid we don't accept bribes here, sir."

"Bad timing – he's in one of his Old testament moods today."

Proposed solution to repugnant and obsolete St. Patrick's Day parade: add more saints.

Sat Nativ.

"You'll soon get used to it, being deceased is fun."

He likes to pretend to look at the stars when he was really looking in the neighbors' window.

Saint Peter using a security screening.

"I remember behavior like that being followed by fire and brimstone."

We don't have a 'reasonable doubt' rule up here!

"Let's get to know him. He's being fast tracked to sainthood."

"I'm going to need the promotion code."

"Don't you sometimes wish that maybe you had been just a little bit naughtier in your former life?"

"Open your mouth so I can take a DNA sample."