Safety Procedure Ponderer Gifts

Worker reading instructions on how to put out fire while smoke billows all around him.

"Your assumption that a one in a million chance event MUST be a miracle shows you drastically underestimate the total number of regularly occurring events."

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"All I take anymore is mushrooms for my anxiety, ketamine for my depression, and ibuprofen for the goblins constantly eating my feet."

"Get another opinion if you wish, Mr. Von Flip...But I'm confident it will still come up ' heads - we operate.'"

'In this next precedent, an attorney lost his frivolous lawsuit complaint and his opponent then filed a frivolous 'frivolous lawsuit' lawsuit.'

'In other words, statistics prove that statisticians aren't always right.'

'What's the chance of getting a latte around here?'

Bizarre sequence of computer-generated random numbers

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

'Turn your thinking cap around, Robert.'

'Today's Odds' sign above a copier showing various odds for machine's malfunctions

"Woah - random!"

"Oh no, Doris. . . not implants!"

'Jerry, The Hermans take the same pharmaceuticals we do!'

'Have you found a precedent? Yes, you did the same crime in 1974.'

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

"Caution! Now entering the margin of error."

'I proved that when you start to count your blessings, you find that they're infinite.'

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'

"Hey, way to go! You invented both the disease AND the cure!"

"I want my job back."

'Are you a hypochondriac who has everything but your regular placebo isn't doing the job? Talk to your doctor about the new extra-strength placebo.'

Well at least we can handle these rocks.

'What would you say about me having my spots enlarged?'

"We need a product that works like aspirin, but is a lot more expensive to buy."

'Who are you?' 'Your wife for 57 years back from plastic surgery!'

Mountains and Molehills

'Will this make me feel as happy as the people in the commercial?'

'Wait! Tell me again about the 'excessive gas and oily discharge'?'

Man has drug cabinet labelled 'Safe Drugs' and 'Not Sure Drugs'.

'You're wrong - this is brain surgery!'

'Taking anti-depressants is getting me down...'

"I told you not to have that boob job."

'Still saving money to finish that nose job eh?'