Sacrifice Gifts

'What are you giving up for Lent this year?' - 'Anchovies.' - 'I thought you hated anchovies?' - 'I do. Care for a cookie instead?' - 'Lent is supposed to be about challenge and sacrifice!' - 'Play to win, Baby!'

The dumpster code - find something, leave something.

"It's badly sprained, McElroy, and you know as well as I do that I'd only slow you down. Go on without me—and that's a direct order!"

"I'm afraid the diagnosis isn't good."

'He did it for us.'

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

"For my will I decided to cut out the middle man and bequeath all my money to the IRS."

Sweet Girl Graduates

"Jim had to know what happens when you turn off your computer while it's updating."

"The oracle demands the sacrifice of a virgin or an update of its operating system."

Annoyed by slow waiters, the Weltners began bringing skeleton costumes whenever they ate out.

"I'm not doing this because I like it. I'm doing this because I love you."

"I agree, Glenn. The first sentence needs to hook the reader."

Liberty's Sacrifice

'A lifetime sentence for bein' cute.'

Son, when life gives you to someone, run, because it's not going to end well. (This cartoon was originally published on 2013-04-04).

'Sheila wanted a statue and I wanted a water feature so we compromised.'

'Every Lent it's the same-I've nothing to give up!'

I'm thinking of skipping the holidays this year, in protest. Very good, little buddy. I see you've read chapter 7 of "Randy 'The Rock' Taylor's Guide to Winning Respect." "Become an admirable person by sacrificing something meaningful to you, in order to help others achieve something meaningful to them." I'm very proud of you, young grasshopper. I'm protesting the fact that I can't shop at H&M on Thanksgiving 'cause they'll be closed.

'Dang, I told him to take a shower before we sacrificed him to the volcano god!'

'I was retaining water, so I cut out the salt. Now I retain gas.'

'I sold enough of my blood to keep our website up for another week. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go pass out.'

"And you can forget about a decent bagel."

Bloomerism - An American Custom

"It's all there. And because of the pressure to conform to social norms I've included a 20% tip."

Congrats to our son. He gave it his all. So did we.

New! Stick-on Stigmata

"All lies,dear boy. This is lemonade."

"Save for retirement now while you're still young, hot lean and sexy..."The voice of reason makes an obscene phone call.

'I couldn't decide what to give up for Lent, so I gave it all up.'

"And this scar? Bread knife slipped whilst cutting a slice of sourdough."