Running Comedian T-Shirts

"According to my calculations, if I hadn't have had those three fag breaks, I would have made four forty seven."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Extreme miming"

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

'For Sale by Neighbor'

'You wanted a speedy trial, so I'm sentencing you to a swift kick.'

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

Pelobong

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

NOW HIRING, 'I don't have any formal training for the position, but I've read all the relevant Wikipedia articles.'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'I went into hunting and gathering. And you?'

"Yes, you look presentable. Now get on!"

"Where do you see yourself after 5 beers?"

Open entrance door to find exit door directly behind it.

'Let him go. We'll catch him in the backstretch. Hippos can run faster than humans, but only in short bursts.'

Ferguson, Bramley, Osgood & Holt - Big Frogs in a Small Pond.

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

'Think Basics.'

'Those two alone should ensure I become a wealthy lawyer.'

'After the big race the tortoise and the hare are ordered to provide urine samples."

"Yeah, I'm a Roadrunner, but it is easier on my feet and joints if I run on the grass..."

'Your standardized test scores are impressive, but we have no standardized jobs.'

"I don't like the reason why he tore up my resignation letter."