Roommate Survivors Pillows

"I've learned to live with the ever-present specter of death, but mostly because it's started chipping in for rent."

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

Speed Dating for Turtles

The Audacity of Fake Environmental Hope

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

Biofelineism

'Every piece of equipment is hooked up to battery cells in the basement, and we actually sell electricity back to the power company!'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

'Who gets the decaf?'

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

'Are we broke yet?'

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work, I overslept.'

'I can't move in, Ted - your lifestyle is too modern. And your furniture is way too modern.'

I hate monday mornings.

"Oh, no - not another farmer's market!"

"Dammit Harold, you know I hate that mask!"

"Who ordered a pizza?"

"Have you been using 'Vanish' again?"

It's not considered drinking alone if the cat is at home.

"Much ado list"

"Next time don't use a herbed vinegar."

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'