Romantic Counselor Pillows

Cupid HQ. I've been laid off. Everybody is meeting online.

'Progress of a bookshelf'

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

Relationship Warning Lights

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"You've changed."

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"I love it when we clear up issues between us."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"Will you listen to the same three anecdotes until one of you dies?"

"When I ask questions, I expect answers!"

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

"How do I love thee….? Let me count the ways…" "I'm going to want a recount."

What Guys Say and What They Mean,

"I don’t know how many ways I can explain it. One morning you’ll just wake up and know that you’re in love."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

'...till death, or a really huge argument over ringtones, do you part.'

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

"It will be all your fault."

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"Now look, Frank, Molly, there's nothing wrong with a Polar Bear and a Penguin being in a relationship. In fact, in my experience, Polar opposites attract!"

Catch and release dating.

'Have you two taken the COSMO 'compatibility test'?'

"Ultimately, we realized we share too many app subscriptions not to make it work."

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

A Reasonable Time for Concern

"Tell me more about your imposter syndrome."

An evening with Stanley Bucholtz, relationship MD,,,tonight: 'Just ONE evening,,,'