Rock-art Critic Gifts

"Oh, no. Not hunters or gatherers...decorators."

You're my Mona Lisa.

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'It's called 'Oh Bugger It!' if you must know!'

"You've got a long, long road ahead of you, young man."

"I call it 'Bad Dog.'"

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

'The way the eyes follow you is uncanny.'

Anthropologists discover the earliest known depiction of Jazz Hands.

"It's a postmodern mosaic, almost lyrical in its undercurrent." "My five-year-old will be happy to hear that."

"No, ma'am. I'm not sure what the difference is between being creative or just plain weird."

"Well....I could've done this!"

'It's a Joan Biro.'

Use your imagination.

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

"If you could be any Bob Dylan you wanted to, which Bob Dylan would you be?"

"Personally, I'm a doer."

"I may not know much about art, but I do know what's suitable for framing."

'Projectile painting.'

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

Schools of Art - A Rough Guide.

'Wow...Your work is amazing!'

Couple Sitting in Front of A Sunset.

'I can make out the nude, but I don't see the submarine.'

'I imagine you'll be asking for a full refund.'

'I just love this work from his macaroni period,'

The Rise of Modern Art

Framed Lady

A Footnote - Self Portrait of Beardsley, Bound to the God of Nature

"How do I know this isn't a performance art piece?"

"It said this 'Spilt Coffee' series afforded her a lifetime of lattes."

Jackson Pollock: abstract; Picasso: cubism; Bobby: eight year old

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Nice, but it needs more angst.'