Risk Taser T-Shirts

"I'm adding some safe-haven assets to your portfolio...gold and Ozempic."

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

Clyde thought “Atomic Sparklers” was just an ad gimmick

"He's not talking yet, but sometimes we give him peanut butter to make it look like he is."

On the brink.

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

Need an elevated state of mind too!

Toys in the DVD Player.

"Are you happy with your current ball?"

Parent is going to elaborate lengths to get the baby to eat.

'Before we start, would everyone please put your cell phone in the middle of the table?'

"I find that my strongest passwords are those created when the cat walks across the keyboard."

"We need warning stickers on this side warning not to ignore all the other warning stickers on the other side."

'None of the other things had instructions.'

"Good luck Mr. Bond, you have one minute to diffuse this tantrum."

'I changed my mind...I'm not thirsty anymore.'

Philip Nye – cycle chiropractor

"I know he's little, but he uses it."

I think these suits have feet in them so we won't leave prints

Babies

'Perhaps we do need a plan 'B'.'

'Storm'

Crash test dummy employee of the month.

"Our driverless smart car texted me saying it went to get an oil change because I was too lazy to do it. Is there a way to disable its rudeness?"

When a nanosecond is forever.

'Stop annoying the dog Andrew!'

The First Supper

Man in office smiling in delight as various office equipment dances for him

'Dad... He's still making faces at me!'

"I'd like a job filled with adventure where there'd be a good chance of claiming compensation."

Quick Response Forces at East 89th Street

"He used to fetch my paper, but now that I read online he's my IT support."

Crying parent holds crying baby.