Risk-taker Humorist Gifts

Boris Johnson zip lining into shark infested waters

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

'You know what they say...live fast, die young and leave a great fossil.'

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

"Things got heated with the Morgans. I may have wagered our car. You're up."

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

'Yeah, the job's got great benefits, but mainly I like the safe work environment.'

"If there is a heaven, why do we end up as fossil fuel?"

"I think, therefore I am depressed."

'A boy! Standing on a burning deck! I bet nobody did a risk assessment?'

Med. Soc Sec. Can we agree on anything to reduce the deficit other than a bake sale?

'I'm balancing the books...you are out'

A dead Olive found stabbed, in a Cocktail drink

Plant Closed - Downsized Too Far

'Want a good read Sex, violence, incest, murder Old Testament.'

Later that day, little Johnny got in big trouble for playing with them.

'Hey, he's just some guy from the neighborhood -- and you know what Chicago neighborhoods are like!'

Harold M.: He's Sure Taking A Lot Of Chances!

'Peace is at hand! - I just signed the Bagpipe Limitation Treaty!'

"Perkins, I didn't get where I am today without taking a few risks."

"The kids of today catch on so quickly, Ted! Remember how long it took US to master the finer points of crony capitalism?"

Genetically Modified Apples

'This week he took me skateboarding. I think my inner child's trying to kill me.'

'I don't know. . . Nobody has ever requested a doggy bag before. . .'

"Hello, we're Mathers, Thorpe and Beneke. Can your husband come out and play the market?"

"First, let me say how much I appreciate your 6-foot social distancing."

Witch Rowing Team

"Dad's shingling the roof and mom says she's inches away to an insurance claim that will change her life."

'I'm leaving you because you know the price of everything and the value of nothing.'

"I don't mean to minimize your problems. That's not how I make my dough."

'Please leave your message after the tone...'

Have You Claimed Your PPI?

"We pay top dollar here at hell hole high."

'Joey, I'm taking you out of tobacco company stocks, and putting you into medical marijuana futures.'

'Just the one, thanks.'