Risk-averse Humorist Pillows

'My best investments turned out to be the ones I was considering but never invested in.'

Sen. Krupt. I don't tell constituents that we're fueling inflation. I say we're protecting consumers and thanks to us they won't have to worry about buying any cheap stuff.

'This is your lucky day!'

'You forgot the product label.'

"Welcome to Trapeze Talent Inc. If you'd like us to catch you, fill out this form, and we'll get back to you if we're interested."

'A boy! Standing on a burning deck! I bet nobody did a risk assessment?'

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

Your Winning Lottery Numbers Told: 'If they are really what you say - how come you can only afford a tent?'

"And WHATEVER you do DON'T FALL DOWN THE STEPS or put your finger in the ELECTRICITY socket."

Budget Opticians.

'Really, this award has come as a great surprise...'

"The kids of today catch on so quickly, Ted! Remember how long it took US to master the finer points of crony capitalism?"

'He's so unlucky that he gets into accidents that started happening to someone else.'

'Except for that, how did the experimental plane perform?'

'I had a really bad day at work! . . . I was expecting it to be utterly horrific. . . but in the end it was just really bad. . . My cracked glass is half full!'

"I spend so much time sitting at my desk, my chair now suffers from separation anxiety. I only left for lunch, and it had to follow me."

"If I knew next week's winning lottery numbers do you think I'd be sitting here telling you."

"Next on Winterwatch, we check in on Mr and Mrs Henderson who are hibernating to avoid putting the heating on."

Have You Claimed Your PPI?

'Please leave your message after the tone...'

'You're cheating on me? How can you be so heartless?!'

"There's that frantic thumping noise again."

"Here's the deal. I'll fly the plane, and you make the excuses."

'I think I need some me time.'

"I'm sorry we're unable to save you, but we can still save your credit rating."

'Your cholesterol is high your blood pressure is low, your heart bead is irregular. Your stocks are down and you're overdrawn at the bank.'

'I just got my wings. Now all I need is a pilot's license.'

The Stimulus.

This next request goes out to the big spender who would like to hear 25 cents' worth of "Louie Louie."

'Look at all those little people down there Miss Jones. If it wasn't for them I'd have to be reckless with my own money.'

Toxic Barrels of Fun

A doctor runs away from a cellphone

Please Help: I lost my fortune in a kitchen renovation project.

'No Walking'

Boris Johnson zip lining into shark infested waters