Risk-averse Humorist Pillows

'My best investments turned out to be the ones I was considering but never invested in.'

'This is your lucky day!'

'You forgot the product label.'

'A boy! Standing on a burning deck! I bet nobody did a risk assessment?'

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

Your Winning Lottery Numbers Told: 'If they are really what you say - how come you can only afford a tent?'

"And WHATEVER you do DON'T FALL DOWN THE STEPS or put your finger in the ELECTRICITY socket."

Budget Opticians.

'Except for that, how did the experimental plane perform?'

'He's so unlucky that he gets into accidents that started happening to someone else.'

"The kids of today catch on so quickly, Ted! Remember how long it took US to master the finer points of crony capitalism?"

"I spend so much time sitting at my desk, my chair now suffers from separation anxiety. I only left for lunch, and it had to follow me."

'I had a really bad day at work! . . . I was expecting it to be utterly horrific. . . but in the end it was just really bad. . . My cracked glass is half full!'

'You're cheating on me? How can you be so heartless?!'

Have You Claimed Your PPI?

"If I knew next week's winning lottery numbers do you think I'd be sitting here telling you."

'Please leave your message after the tone...'

"Next on Winterwatch, we check in on Mr and Mrs Henderson who are hibernating to avoid putting the heating on."

"There's that frantic thumping noise again."

"Here's the deal. I'll fly the plane, and you make the excuses."

'I think I need some me time.'

'I just got my wings. Now all I need is a pilot's license.'

'Your cholesterol is high your blood pressure is low, your heart bead is irregular. Your stocks are down and you're overdrawn at the bank.'

"I'm sorry we're unable to save you, but we can still save your credit rating."

The Stimulus.

'Look at all those little people down there Miss Jones. If it wasn't for them I'd have to be reckless with my own money.'

A doctor runs away from a cellphone

'No Walking'

Please Help: I lost my fortune in a kitchen renovation project.

Toxic Barrels of Fun

Boris Johnson zip lining into shark infested waters

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'